the body keeps score

• I hate myself but love God. I started abusing it when I was 9. To hate what I see in the mirror. To work it, lift it, starve it, and medicate it until I don’t feel it anymore. Now the pain is so great. At 30 I couldn’t sit in a chair without pain. The sabotage of myself reached a new level when I was diagnosed with RA and AS. I see my dad in agony over his pain. I see him after many surgeries try to be pain free, only to go back to intense pain and 2 hours a self a night. I spend many nights 

When I moved here to be "on my own." I prayed for a very specific vision. It was scary because I knew that their spiritual resposiblility was left to me. 

On 2021- Lord give me a vision for my family. Thier

God had purpose in bread

The body keeps score. What is going wrong in peoples minds - a lot of mental disorders derrive from how we are formed by our relationships and how we experience being in our own skin. God is acting on earth through scriptures ( we are relational creatures, we can separate mind from body) 

the story of a womans body that is always alerting danger to a peaceful interaction with the world

my body in the car- to be insecure in body is matter of fact. shame why is your body signaling danger. to understand your story. body was giving information about your story. medicate that feeling. navigate those sensations- anxiety I felt was we were made for more than using isolation

god inhertiance for us is the hope and grace

if there are triggers and intolerable sensation in my body and  I am wanting to numb. Its meant to be the trailhead to restoration. severe depression in 2008. intolerable sensation- hopelessness, despair, 

the valley of suffering becomes the door of hope. Hosea - 

when kid is acting out. what happened to you. where is there provision in living in our bodies in a fallen world. Psalm normalized the distress you feel in the body. constriction- paralyzed. 

Psalm 55 He hears my voice. 

You can not get away from the agony. it feels as though my body is responding to the terror of death. Self regulation depends on having a good relationship with our body - we must use external medication to regulate how we feel. Its a reach to feel something else. what do we think of ourselves. 

i think you need to break the agreement of self hatred. I hate my body. If I hate my body - how can I keep the key- i am doing everything I can but its in my body. 

its not working- what you are feeling is write with you. get that anger out. my soul is well. it couldnt just be with prayer on the phone. validation from the father to get to the grief. how do we navigate the sensations in our body without bringing harm to myself. 

medication, alcohol, people codependency, any conflict (my body is at unrest) 

a strain in the relationship level 10 - repair, responsible for? 

the cumulative load- lots of unresolved story in body lack of security in primary caregiver./ I take on every unresolved relationship 

engagement with our stories. 

how is your kingdom- how is your story work- this is rooted in your amago day- knitted together in wholeness and dismantle the false. To be the kind of person that God can entrust in his kingdom. 

wild at heart boot camp

its scary when you child reaches a larger domain that you were ready for in your kingdom. this is where fear and shame wants to creep in. 

The primary work of God is finding a man who he can entrust with his power without bringing harm to themselves. 

Eve where are you? the reality that is so central to be sought after- the deepest nature in a person is that we are created in the image of God. 

who do we see when we look in the mirror. How do you disentangle the false self from the true self. 

i have learned to be content in any circumstances- to be in need and to be with plenty. Richard Rhor i am ready for anything anywhere- what would that look like to me. union with God- because I have been liberated from my false self to true self- that can face anything anywhere - you are our faithful guide, i lack nothing. 

i didnt trust the fathers heart - false self- i didnt feel worthy- identity and worth based on action

because of the fall we hear you arnt you cant - root of shame - i am not enough- i feel like death when .

you are always on time in Gods kingdom.

the image of God - true self vs false self. 

Focus on self: True/ false lending towards exhaustion

Focus on God/ himself

god sustaining Rest/ self sustaining

God changing after me / a world harness

transforms nside vs out. 

if anyone comes to me and doesnt hate the false - that doesnt work. however wants to save a life can lookse it. 

how do i avoid pain

how do i avoid feeling ..its reactive not responsive. 

there is a man in me that wants to die. but there is a man in me that wants to live

we need to leave our gifting for a moment so it is for him not self

false man protects me from pain and you Lord

you will work in me to create and cleanse and rebuild and kingdom life - you place everythign that is true in its place. 

what its like to be alive to my true heart. I crucify my old self, there are things to do and places to go. would you breath resurrection into me. cultivate expectation to greet you with a childlike heart that says, "What is next dad?" How would you lead me through this process