My Beloved

 You set my table in the presence of my enemies

God and I were having a date and it was epic. My free childcare at the gym had just started and I was pulling into get my favorite sushi for a dinner date. I could finally feel the quiet, the sigh of relief it was to be there, in His presence with my full attention. He called me His Beloved. He showed me what hope was. It wasn’t in a husband, it was in a father who was really the only one who was ever that was supposed to be there. Beauty for Ashes. You lay down your life for me- you are my complete. The thing My loneliness was looking for - the thing that my heart had hoped for in a God who is bigger and better than I could imagine. He wants me to rest in Him because that trust is our covenant. The covenant that can not be broken. I don’t even have to fear because that darkness can not take it away. No one has ever cared for me like Jesus. Your faithful hand has held me all this way. Let it be known- In you alone my joy was found. Let my children tell their children let this be their memory that all my treasure was in Heaven and you were everything to me. I am still in love. Your still enough for me. Still all I want. Your still my everything. Lord remove everything that stands between us. You pulled me from the clay-set me on a rock- called me by your name and made my heart while again. Hold my heart now and forever. All my shame. I surrender my anxiety. I suppressed my depression. I give it all to you. My soul is married to you. Look what I have delivered you from. You don’t have to fear the sin and darkness. He has already won. Your fear does not have to suffocate you- he has already won- we WILL be with you and that is worth continuing the fight everyday. A sweet coworker I look to as an incredible mentor that God has used to pour into me daily said God gave her a word that I have the gift of discernment. I have struggled and prayed to God that he would take away the belief that I will be so easily deceived by someone again. But knowing him now he has given me discernment. 

My worth was based off of what I could do for others. I needed to self sabotage and self neglect  to be a worthy wife and mom. God says rest in this. Your worth is in me- You are worthy just as you are. I won’t leave you or give us on you when you fall short. I am a God of abundance. Let that be your hope. Jd grear says knowing and trusting in the Goodness of God and knowing him- being in his presence -is what you need to keep going. 

You are not giving anything to a man now. Rest in that you are worthy not having to give back to someone- physically emotionally or spiritually. I give my all to my husband who is being my companion through this season. Let me press into “doing dishes with you, worshipping at the park playing with my kids, cherishing the hard work of life together. Lord let me love you above all. 

What if God had in your pain something beyond better than the cure for my ailememt. The gift that is so good that in finding that cure I don’t even mention the pain because what I have found is so much better

Nahmen showed us that His spot of death became his portal to eternal life- so do you have a spot that feel like a sentence of death- a place in yoyur heart that is hard to trust? 

God has a purpose for that spot and it was to show you something deeper that was really broken in your life and you wouldn’t have thought of it until that spot appeared

That spot is terminal to your soul- but He is the answer to that place.