The end- my letter to kanon

 

I know the events of the last few months have taken a toll on you and our families. I have felt

this same exhaustion the last 3 years. The hurt and chaos has taken the life out of me and has

most recently made it nearly impossible for me to take care of the girls like they need and

deserve. I love you very much. I want you to know I have tried every single thing in my power to

repair, restore, and fix this marriage. I have had countless sleepless nights crying out to God to

redeem our marriage.

I wanted to share my heart about our relationship over the last three years. I am sure these words

will be as hard for you to read as they have been for me to write. I have long prayed that the two

of us would daily seek God for wisdom and direction for our lives as a husband, wife and

parents. My father challenged us to take care of our relationship first with Christ and then as a

husband/wife/father. It has crushed me to see and experience the selfishness you have displayed

throughout our marriage. My father reminded me that (1) that you have had very strong role

models from your dad and brothers and that 2) he did not really start maturing as a believer until

he was in his early 30’s so he wanted me to show you grace because he was confident it would

come. So, I kept praying and waiting for you to be the husband and father the girls and I needed.

I don’t pretend I was the perfect wife. I know the expectations of cooking and cleaning weren’t

always met. But you know I tried and sacrificed these, at times, to do special things with and for

you and the girls. I know you saw me crying out to God at all hours of the night many times with

tears after many hurtful nights-only to be met with resentment from you in the morning. I kept

asking myself and God, how can a heart be so hard? There are many things that I have never

understood about your heart.

I had really hoped that with the investment your parents made for your health and our marriage

that you would stick out the hard work that came with rehab. I felt after learning new life skills

and intense couples counseling, that we might be able to make this marriage work. I told you that

I needed you to stay at rehab, as that was our last hope so the phone call that you wanted to come

home was devastating and very hurtful.

As for your anger and resentment towards your parents, you know I have never understood it. I

understand parents are not perfect…your parents, my parents…no parents are perfect. But the

way your mother and father gave to us so lavishly was nothing short of amazing. Our first house

in Vance they provided, the money to buy our house in Ross Bridge, the current house they

completely rebuilt for us, a job for you, gas and so much more. You resent me for not packing up

and leaving our families. Why would we move when we are surrounded by people who love us

and our babies? Setting aside the fact that we have never fully been able to live for an extended

time without financial help from our parents--such a move would have clearly been reckless!

Your resentment towards my family is also beyond my comprehension. They loved you,

supported you and admired you. For you to say the incredibly hurtful things to my dad about all

of them leaves a deep wound in all of our hearts.My counselors have constantly reminded me that a marriage can't be fixed with one person in it.

As I have told you, the thing I have longed for most in our marriage, is for you to look to God

first and our family second. But your actions and destructive choices you make instead of being

there for our family is beyond my comprehension. When you immediately started looking to

hook up with women and spending weekends at the bars while we were married was a knife to

my heart. You have destroyed my self-esteem with hurtful comments like, “I need an open

relationship if I’m going to stay in this marriage.” When I asked if you have been unfaithful, you

said, “It’s none of your business, and that this is why we are getting a divorce in the first place”

and hung up the phone. I was so HOPEFUL when you left to go to rehab! I was certain with

professional assistance and therapy, I would have my husband back and the girls would have

their daddy! This is what I so desperately longed for and prayed for! But when I got the phone

call saying you were not staying even after you knew how much it meant to the girls and I and

your parents, I was devastated: your final act of quitting on our marriage and family and putting

YOUR desires ABOVE ALL ELSE. When I discussed with your counselor, he explained that, in

his opinion, you have the inability to sympathize or empathize with people. While I know you

have a tender heart in many ways, your callousness toward me, your family and my family is an

example of your extreme narcissistic behaviors. He said that you have consistently played “the

victim” card and that it will be hard for you in your state of mind to get beyond that thought

process. I know you don’t care about me, but when I see how much it crushes your mother and

father I am brought to tears. If you would just show them the respect and gratitude they deserve,

I would be forever grateful.

You have made it clear that you have no desire to change. Your actions show you want to

continue making destructive choices instead of being there for your family. Watching your

insatiable pursuit of instant gratification makes it clear I need to put a hedge of protection around

our family. It is time for me to start protecting myself from a husband who hurts me over and

over and has told me directly he would sleep with someone else to make me feel better about a

divorce. In order to secure a future for the girls and I, I need to move forward with a divorce that

you have told me several times you want. I know you will say you want to stay in the marriage,

even when just hours before you adamantly demanded a divorce, but you have no desire to

change. I will NOT continue in a toxic environment that has stripped me of my self-confidence

and respect. As I said before, I do not want the girls to see a father living as you do while you are

still supposed to be married to me. It is my desire for you to be a big part of the girls’ lives. They

love you and need their father in their lives. I want the girls to always have Mammy and Pappy

in their lives. In fact they NEED to have them!

It is my hope for our divorce to be as peaceful as possible- I hope to agree upon everything so

there will be no need to go to court. I wanted to address this with our parents as I want more

than anything to always be a part of your incredible family. It was your family's faith and love

that helped draw me so much to you in the first place and the life I had hoped to have with you. I

pray for you to do the right thing for our family.***and will be praying for you always.

***** (I know this is minimal but is a very small example: after many birthdays that made me

sad because I never got a card or gift from you, I told you how special it would make me feel if

you made my 30th birthday different this year so I got dressed up and was excited to see you but

to my disappointment you had forgotten and were in bed asleep by 7 p.m. I guess it was

especially hurtful because I had specifically told you what it would mean to me and you still denied me.