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Last Christmas my husband told me that He wanted to see other people. While we were opening presents in our home Christmas day, he told me that he is done trying to be a husband. That we would be better off without him. He wanted out. I did not understand or fathom what God was doing.  

New Year’s Day, he stayed out doing the “big” drugs in Atlanta with his cousin. I remember that New Year’s Night. Thinking this is going to be the hardest year of my life. I think I prayed 50 times January 1st: “God be with me this year! January 1st was always a daunting date as I get a little overwhelmed with all my resolutions. But today, I had a quiet peace in my soul as I had a vision laid before me.  I did not feel chaos because it was a big open space. A vision of what I wanted life to be. A calm open space. He lead me beside still waters, but not after the grief in the grief. Being a single mom makes you utterly aware of how dependent life is on you, for everything. But what He did for me is still my heart. 

This year felt so heavy. Too much to carry. Too much hurt and pain in my body to keep it moving forward. To keep on engaging life. 

The night he was at the concert, I sat on the couch here in Atlanta praying, “God- I do not know what this year holds but deliver me. I need you. Rescue me.

RESCUE us from a life full of selfishness, sin, drugs, and self-gratification. That night I watched a Netflix movie on divorce. I was deeply sad but my soul had peace- Christ started preparing my heart. I remember thinking the unknown just feels like this heavy blanket of “impending doom.” He kept whispering, “Danielle, its okay. I know you are scared but do you know who I am?”

 

After quiet new years, we went to look at the house on Jones road. A house that Jimmy and Linds had bought to gut and renovate. I remember walking into that basement, feeling hope. Every time I would visit Atlanta over the new few months, Id go back to that basement. I would imagine my décor matched in with the apple wall paper. I could in vision a life even with the cement floor and the cold wet basement feel.  I had no idea that Lindsey and Jimmy would SEE my needs and truly want to help.  Lindsey knew the way to my heart in every detail: brightly lit rooms and open shelves. Jimmy and Lindsey made it happen. They installed 32 bright canned lights and painted, layed floors, sprayed, ceilings. Hundreds of hours of work and money later they made space. Space to start over. Space to rest. Space to heal. Space to be loved. Space to understand the gospel in community for the first time. A place of refuge. A place to meet Him, know Him and walk with Him.

The last few months I have been painfully aware of the spiritual battle that has been happening in my heart. I feel as I am starting to think clearly again then I am sucked into this mind numbing depression that sucks the hope from you. The energy and desire to even put one foot in front of the other is just not there. Satan whispers fear before I even open my eyes in the morning. He whispers to me that this could be easier and less painful if I just did things my way. When I do take the easier road, he is the emptiness in the pit of my stomach, he is the fear that takes away my breath, He is the racing thoughts that drive me insane, he is the anxiety that physically feels like its crushing my ribcage.

But after exhausting my efforts, I finally sit still long enough.

I won't forget

The wonder of how You brought

Deliverance, the exodus of my heart

You found me

You freed me

Held back the waters for my release

Oh Yahweh

You're the God who fights for me

Lord of every victory

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You have torn apart the sea

You have led me through the deep

Hallelujah, hallelujah

A cloud by day

Is a sign that You are with me

The fire by night

Is the guiding light to my feet

You found me

You freed me

Held back the waters for my release

Oh Yahweh

Slowly God has unclenched my fists and opened my eyes and be still.

Hes not going to give me the answers. He is the answer. 

The past is still painful and the future a little daunting but to experience Him is worth the “pressing” of the new wine. 

Its amazing to see how He is using His living breathing scripture that I have studied back last December – the rescue of the Isrealites at the Red Sea, the Isrealites time in Exile, understanding Romans as a way to see truth, Gods relationship to the Israelites in Isaiah, the faith God called Abraham to have. All these stories, even the story of the first sin of adam and eve- he still draws us nearer.

I don’t need the answers. I just need You. your promises. I don’t need a husband, a fit bod, or any more accomplishment in life. I finally learning what real trust and faith is. He has supplied all I need for this time. I need nothing more nothing less. Confidence faith and trust.

Its been so sanctifying. I have been utterly aware of my desperate need for him. I have seen life through my eyes for way too long. I have seen my wayward heard. I have seen what was blanketed in anxiety . My thoughts consumed with thinking about who I need to be, what I need to do instead of resting in the Promise that He is here. Opening my hands to him and asking God what do you want me to be doing in my time. How did you create me to fuel my body? What is going to be important to me and my family? Thanking God for the escape from the destructive path and a space to have Jesus in my home. Who do I want to be?  I have loved this time so much because its helped me lay a foundation for how I want to lead my family. Not in a to do list way but in a grace filled, life giving way. He has carried out his promise to show me truth.  He has showed me what He wants for me. The areas he wants in my life to surrender to him. He has showed me the type of mom I want to be to these girls. He has shown me a lot about myself. I have seen the closer I come to him the more he asks from me. The more he has the less of me if left! He has broken my chains of depression and my bondage to fear and He has showed me just a glimpse of His glory. The Presence of Him is all that satisfies. 

So now I am needing to make a decision. I want to make sure I am making less of a “logical” decision and more of a “God what do you have for me in this next season, what is my life to look like next semester?”

You have torn apart the sea, you have lead me through the deep. Haleighluiah 

You found me you save me parted the waters for my released.

(Little did I know that the next year would be a year full of grace and His Prsence- and slowly showing me truth

Righteousness is a declaration that even when you falter and fail, you still get up because you know that no matter where you are you can get up because God still has a plan. Getting up is a declaration of faith that he did not give up on you. That gives freedom. 

Abrahams life was marked by failures. He doubted God to give him His promises.

• He told Sarah to tell the other men that he was her brother so he wouldn’t be killed

• God showed Abram all the stars and said- this will be your descendants and he still replied to God that his wife is too old

• He still slept with His slave to make the promises of God come to be- not Gods way. 

He failed so many times but God called Abraham a man of faith!

God put his breath into Abraham- and immediately Sarah got pregnant. I want the breath of God in my life. It only comes from only bold audacious faith, single can you let God grow God will multiply your character and joy in this season if you trust him! Let him multiply me! IN this season god is asking us to take big steps of faith. We must respond with faith to receive time talent and treasures. We can only give what we give in faith. Who is going to be in the kingdom because we went with abandonment. 

Wehere is it ath we need to trust God. Is it what I am doing

He failed so many times but even AFTER all of those failures, God asked Him to sacrifice Ischmale, his only son, the only hope that he has to 

God is more interested in my character over comfort.

. 

God has more invested in my family. God purchased me wI don’t have to convince God to bless this family that ..this is your family.

Gods commitment to grow in Christ likeness its greater than mine. I don’t obsess about discovering his will. God what is your will? God is not up in heaven like I sure hope he doesn’t discover my will. Rest in me because my commitment to you exceeds your commitment to you. NO matter how much we have

stumbled we can get up and go on with faith because his comm. The righteous man falls seven times, the righteous man falls seven times! He falls, his whole life is 

Abrabut they still get up!

Childcare pros cons

I have time to do my job well but I am paying so much. I think I need extra help in this season. 

It was the perfect picture of hopeI am slowly learning how to pray

I truly feel like this is worse than being a widow- I grieve a death of my family and 

Its amazing to see how He is using His living breathing scripture that I have studied back last December – the rescue of the Isrealites at the Red Sea, the Isrealites time in Exile, understanding Romans as a way to see truth, Gods relationship to the Israelites in Isaiah, the faith God called Abraham to have. All these stories, even the story of the first sin of adam and eve- he still draws us nearer.

The past is still painful and the future a little daunting but to experience Him is worth the “pressing” of the new wine. 

I don’t need the answers. I just need You. your promises. I don’t need a husband, organization, or any more accomplishment in life. I finally learning what real trust and faith is. He has supplied all I need for this time. I need nothing more nothing less. He exchanged my fear and failure for confidence faith and trust.

Its been so sanctifying. I have been utterly aware of my desperate need for him. I have seen life through my eyes for way too long. I have seen my wayward heart. I have seen what was blanketed in anxiety . My thoughts consumed with thinking about who I need to be, what I need to do instead of resting in the Promise that He is here. Opening my hands to him and asking God what do you want me to be doing in my time. How did you create me to fuel my body? What is going to be important to me and my family? Thanking God for the escape from the destructive path and a space to have Jesus in my home. Who do I want to be?  I have loved this time so much because its helped me lay a foundation for how I want to lead my family. Not in a to do list way but in a grace filled, life giving way. He has carried out his promise to show me truth.  He has showed me what He wants for me. The areas he wants in my life to surrender to him. He has showed me the type of mom I want to be to these girls. He has shown me a lot about myself. I have seen the closer I come to him the more he asks from me. The more he has the less of me if left! He has broken my chains of depression and my bondage to fear and He has showed me just a glimpse of His glory. The Presence of Him is all that satisfies.

“This is what the Lord says: “A cry is heard in Ramah— deep anguish and bitter weeping. Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be comforted— for her children are gone.” But now this is what the Lord says: “Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you,” says the Lord. “Your children will come back to you from the distant land of the enemy. There is hope for your future,” says the Lord. “Your children will come again to their own land. I have heard Israel saying, ‘You disciplined me severely, like a calf that needs training for the yoke. Turn me again to you and restore me, for you alone are the Lord my God. I turned away from God, but then I was sorry. I kicked myself for my stupidity! I was thoroughly ashamed of all I did in my younger days.’ “Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?” says the Lord. “I often have to punish him, but I still love him. That’s why I long for him and surely will have mercy on him. Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Mark well the path by which you came. Come back again, my virgin Israel; return to your towns here. How long will you wander, my wayward daughter? For the Lord will cause something new to happen— Israel will embrace her God. ” This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: “When I bring them back from captivity, the people of Judah and its towns will again say, ‘The Lord bless you, O righteous home, O holy mountain!’ Townspeople and farmers and shepherds alike will live together in peace and happiness. For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.” “The day is coming,” says the Lord, “when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel and Judah. This covenant will not be like the one I made with their ancestors when I took them by the hand and brought them out of the land of Egypt. They broke that covenant, though I loved them as a husband loves his wife,” says the Lord. “But this is the new covenant I will make with the people of Israel after those days,” says the Lord. “I will put my instructions deep within them, and I will write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying, ‘You should know the Lord.’ For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will know me already,” says the Lord. “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.” It is the Lord who provides the sun to light the day and the moon and stars to light the night, and who stirs the sea into roaring waves. His name is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, and this is what he says: This is what the Lord says: “Just as the heavens cannot be measured and the foundations of the earth cannot be explored, so I will not consider casting them away for the evil they have done. I, the Lord, have spoken! “The day is coming,” says the Lord, “when all Jerusalem will be rebuilt for me, from the Tower of Hananel to the Corner Gate. A measuring line will be stretched out over the hill of Gareb and across to Goah. And the entire area—including the graveyard and ash dump in the valley, and all the fields out to the Kidron Valley on the east as far as the Horse Gate—will be holy to the Lord. The city will never again be captured or destroyed.”” ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭31:15-25, 31-35, 37-40‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: You have torn down the houses of this city and even the king’s palace to get materials to strengthen the walls against the siege ramps and swords of the enemy. You expect to fight the Babylonians, but the men of this city are already as good as dead, for I have determined to destroy them in my terrible anger. I have abandoned them because of all their wickedness. “Nevertheless, the time will come when I will heal Jerusalem’s wounds and give it prosperity and true peace. I will restore the fortunes of Judah and Israel and rebuild their towns. I will cleanse them of their sins against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion. Then this city will bring me joy, glory, and honor before all the nations of the earth! The people of the world will see all the good I do for my people, and they will tremble with awe at the peace and prosperity I provide for them. the sounds of joy and laughter. The joyful voices of bridegrooms and brides will be heard again, along with the joyous songs of people bringing thanksgiving offerings to the Lord. They will sing, ‘Give thanks to the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, for the Lord is good. His faithful love endures forever!’ For I will restore the prosperity of this land to what it was in the past, says the Lord. “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: This land—though it is now desolate and has no people and animals—will once more have pastures where shepherds can lead their flocks. “The day will come, says the Lord, when I will do for Israel and Judah all the good things I have promised them. “Have you noticed what people are saying?—‘The Lord chose Judah and Israel and then abandoned them!’ They are sneering and saying that Israel is not worthy to be counted as a nation. But this is what the Lord says: I would no more reject my people than I would change my laws that govern night and day, earth and sky. I will never abandon the descendants of Jacob or David, my servant, or change the plan that David’s descendants will rule the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Instead, I will restore them to their land and have mercy on them.”” ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭33:3-9, 11-12, 14, 24-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬ https://www.bible.com/116/jer.33.3-9,11-12,14,24-26.nlt

“I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things; I will not forsake them.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭42:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬ https://www.bible.com/116/isa.42.16.nlt