Thank you mom

My mind was in a million different places when I sent you that text but what I wanted to clarify is that - yes while I still struggle with the shame of being a divorced single mom of two- and how that comes off even in my church community sometimes - 

God has reminded me over and over who I am to him.

its not even my hard work to be close to Him- its not my daily grind to work a full time job and be emotionally present for my kids- He just loves me the way I am right now- i dont have to earn it. 

My wrestling right now with Him is that He keeps telling me -"Danielle its not time to connect to another man right now- I have you in this season for a reason- you need to heal. I am teaching you how to discern those voices from Satan and my voice. And I have shown you hundreds of promises. You will show me your truth when the darkness comes, and those days will still come- but I am making you new. If you abide in me - I will show you a way out.

Job 12: 22He uncovers the deeps out of darkness and brings deep darkness to light. 

Psalms 107:14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and burst their bonds apart. 

I was bonded to darkness for so long and I am still feeling the fear. 

Micah 7:8-9 "..when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me, "

Luke 1: 78 "Because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high, to give light to those who sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death to guide our feet into the way of peace."

Sometimes I feel impatient like "Lord I am changed, I feel healed, I can do this! I am ready to be in a relationship" But the moment I feel like I can I become overwhelmed and fearful and just exhausted and want to numb out- sometimes I feel like I just want to numb out the lies of satan sometimes I just am trying to run from the holy spirits conviction that that is not what he wants for me right now. 

I spoke to Madison this weekend about redefining this season of "waiting" and instead calling it a season of trusting. Trusting that His work will be completed in me, Trusting that His timing is perfect and finding joy in the life that I get to share with these girls, even if its only an hour a night. The letter below from my future 21 year old daughter helped me understand what my vision is for what I want to instill in her from my dear friend Eliza

Dedicated 

to all 

the single moms 

who are in the trenches, 

*whatever season* you are in, 

wherever you are clinging on 

to the lifeline of hope; 

wanting to know 

that the struggle has been worth it, 

that you have been seen, 

and your sacrifices meant something.

Maybe you're an empty nester, in the new zone of waiting for maturity to take root in your "fledglings."

Maybe your kids haven't had the words, 

but you've seen glimmers here and there 

of their appreciation. 

Maybe you are drowning in diapers and dishes, 

or homework and stained sports uniforms; 

laundry, allllllways laundry.

Where ever you are, whatever your life looks like, 

this is for you.

An imaginary letter, 

from a daughter, 

to a mom, 

who made it through hell and back.

Cheers! 

:::

Dear Mom,

Hi. 

Thanks for the card --- you pick the best words!

21...

Before I read your letter, I want to write you one.

I don't do this often, but I have a lot of unsaid things in my heart, and it feels like they are all pushing up to the surface.

Wait! Don't worry!! It's ok, I promise! 

I just wanted to finally sit down to tell you:

I have *no idea* how you did it.

Are you ...hiding a secret superpower?🦸‍♀️

I mean, sometimes I wonder how crazy it must have been to negotiate the meetings and exchanges and mediations with dad.

Those were rough years.

How did you do it and stay sane?

And yet, you kept life going forward for us.

Thank you, and I mean THANK YOU, for staying alive. 

Staying with us. 

Not letting the pain win. 

You let us see that life can be hard, and life can be messy, but it never shook your love for us; and, oh how I needed that.

I didn't have words back then. 

But hearts feel and minds absorb.

And I remember.

I picked up on little things far before I could understand what was going on.

There should be a reward, a trophy for moms like you.

I watched you find friends to lean on, and it made my heart feel lighter to watch you come back with your shoulders relaxed...or maybe even a smile or small laugh.

I watched you find time to cry, (yeah... we do notice...SOME small stuff as kids) but don't worry! It didn't scar me!! Because when you came back and curled next to us as we finished the movie, something would settle, deep inside. 

WE were family. 

WE would make it. 

Some of those movies still bring the good feelings back.

And  I love our crazy traditions we've made! 

Gotta keep some of those for my own family someday.

And hey, thanks for not giving up when I went through that rough patch.

I know we've talked about it before, but I want to say again, I'm sorry and thank you Thank you for staying my mom, no matter what.

Now I look back and wish I could undo some of the grief I caused, or when my emotions exploded.

Still, you taught me what safety looks like.

I watched you learn to do both: you let yourself have safety to grieve and to cry. And taught me not let me hurt myself or others. *And* be safe enough to fully express my heart --- I mean, looking around at my friends? That's pretty rare. To have a mom who found ways to help me let my pain and questions out.

That's the kind of mom I want to be too.

Now I know better  when I choose an "unhealthy coping skill" --- LOL, I'll never get away from your  Dr. Mom phrases! 🤪

And, did you know, because of you, 

I'm not scared to be a mom. 

I have friends who've confided, that they are terrified to mother a vulnerable child... after what their parents went through.

You took something that blindsided you and shredded and shattered every dream you had; and you made something beautiful out of your future.

That showed me, 

I CAN TOO.

It's my choice. 

And I *want* that.

You grew a great circle of friends who spoke truth and didn't put up with B.S.

(I know, I know!! But hey, I'm 21 now  and sometimes you gotta call it what it is!)

I used to look at my life and feel like I was missing out, in my teens; but I also knew the difference between the "fake fronts" some families held up ...and in my heart of hearts, I preferred the raw and real that we shared.

I didn't have to pretend to be perfect to win your approval.

And you didn't sugarcoat the truth when I was out of line.

Oh, and *thank you* for taking us to the therapist. LOL, for plowing through all those different ones until you found someone we would work with.

I hated it. 

But oh how I needed it.

It took over a decade to admit it though.

I never forgot the times where one phrase would stick into my heart and brain and either heal, or help, something that was too hard and too heavy for me to handle.

I mean, I STILL remember those things!

As to dad, thanks for sitting down with me, those times I finally got enough courage to cry...or ask questions.

It hurts to love someone who won't choose what's good for them and others.

But I watched you, and you let go when holding on would have drowned you, drowned all of us, to be dragged down into that.

And man, ...you remember! that was a LOT of shit.

(Hey!  I'll be good, I promise! But like I said.. I'm 21  ...and I learned from the best)

You know what, I really appreciate now, how you were honest about your struggles with God, but you kept bringing 

(all of it!!!) 

to Him, and it slowly taught me, 

that God was safe.

Even when my heart was hurting so bad that my feelings were mad at Him....it wouldn't make Him "mad" back at me.

And wow, how I NEEDED that.

You got us into a new circle of people that weren't all preachy or judgey... and now I wonder how people survive if they are supposed to smother it all inside and pretend "everything is fine".

Do they implode? Or explode? Or shrivel up and die?

Thanks for breaking free! I think it changed a *lot* of how my teens and twenties turned out.

 Sometimes I wonder how much you went through... emails, texts, calls... all the little pieces. 

Sheesh. I had a hard enough time over my last break up! 

And I thought *he* was healthy!!

And you, you had *years* invested.

Sigh, I know how crazy "the crazy" can get from you-know-who.

Who knows...maybe someday things will shift.

But thank you for teaching me the difference between healthy hope and "hopium" so my heart could mend.

And for explaining the difference between peace-making and peace-keeping. *That's* a life skill!

(I hate knowing it, LOL, but I wouldn't live without it now!)

Thank you for learning what healthy boundaries look like, and then (kudos, mom!!) educating us???!

It's like you have a PhD. in emotional awareness, voicing personal needs and setting personal limitations. Who knew boundaries could be internal and external?

I hope you don't mind... I'll probably pick your brain sometime! I feel like I'm just getting started.

It's hard to keep evaluating and checking 

if "I am staying true to my values." 

(Dr.Mom voice) 

This season of life feels FULL of changes and new experiences.

Well.

I'll be honest.

I don't think of it THAT often.

But LOL, it comes back to "haunt" me at night after a crazy choice.

Eep.

I better not tell you ALL of my secrets  I'll never hear the last of it! 

So, I'll wrap this up.

Thanks for holding me close, thanks for letting me go; thanks for cheering me up and for pushing me to step out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for telling me "I'm proud of you" and sowing the seeds for strong character, that now I'm responsible for "growing in my heart garden".

For teaching me to "pull up my big girl pants"; but finding the time to hug me too.

I love you.

And I wanted to tell you that,  all these years later, 

your daughter