curse, vow, and solutes

These shame messages are so real to me. It took me two weeks to really dive into this because I wanted to make sure I did myself justice in this area. Its such a deep rooted daily battle in my thoughts. I printed off your life scripts worksheet and got slightly overwhelmed so I listened to my podcast about Spiritual Warfare from a Christian Counselor I like to listen to. I wrote down a little of what I learned from that. The strategy of evil is to curse us to make an agreement so that we will make a vow so that we will bound to that person or thing. We progress from curses to vows to soul ties. A curse is created by evil to take us down. Its very specific to our stories. A curse derail or defile something of your inherent gifting or goodness. its is about something good that something in you that creates envy in others and must be harmed or taken out for the people around you to bear the goodness you automatically reflect of God. We reflect the goodness of god. We bring life we want to connect to the world. We are born into families that have been hurt harmed. A curse is often found where we are most specifically created to bear the glory of God and they have to take it down a notch. Its not an evil intention off the bat. There is a sense in which the beauty of the girl exposes some of the decision the parents have made to harden their hearts. A deep part of her heart longs for that beauty. now my heart has to choose now do i join with my mother? or is there more to this to not close my heart off? So the agreement: my mom is right. I need to become more tough. Now an agreement is what happens to the heart when a curse is made. I didnt have time to finish podcast either. My statements that play in my head: I should have brushed Breckans hair already today. Its 1000 and i havent even fed them. why cant i just get the eggs out and make the eggs, why do i feel like this is so hard? I am too forgetful I need to work harder my mother calls me as messy and forgetful. I admit. Its a never ending battle with me. so I think this joy that I have always had. i have always tried to make it less than. Its like my mother has been trying to dampen a light that she sees in me (her fear, no man will want to take all this on.) She doesnt want to have to take an honest look at that light because it makes her realize somehow I got broken along the way. I know her deep her. At family functions she longs to be able to be present and soak every moment of family time up, but instead she is worried about who has got more talk time over here and if my sisters are taking care of my kids too much. My mother has said some very hurtful things along this process. Things that cut deep. Things that I feel so much hurt and almost rage about. She wants me to be out in the world yesterday. I realize why I was always frantic seeking attachment. Because here she is doing it for me. When she speaks of me dating its almost as if she speaks to me as if we are both dating him. it feels so weird. I have noticed that many times before. heck she loves connecting through guy stories. And then that is how she connects with me. She stays up late to help me or give me "advice. " I am running out of time at work and fear I wont have another time for a clear thought but I ask your prayers. look forward to speaking with you next week. i am not enough i am not lovable i need too much