8/5/22

I was at the darkest place of hell I had ever experienced. I thought the fear would physically take me. And even though all I could do was say your name, “Jesus.” You laid next to me in that cot face to face, smiling at me and stroking my hair. You touched my face. When the tears came you wiped them and said, “you are still mine child.” 

For 4 days I lay there, without food, minimal water and hear the stories, cry’s and sounds of fear. We were all stuck 

My message I begged to tell them- I still see beauty in you

Who are u great mountain, that you should not bow low? That had been my mountain. But He has never lost a battle. Yes I suffered consequence and still do but it was an act of grace. That was him getting victory over the biggest mountain in my life. Restoration has happened. 

“I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light; He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones; he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead of long ago. He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer; he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces; he has made me desolate; he bent his bow and set me as a target for his arrow. my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope; For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men. to subvert a man in his lawsuit, the Lord does not approve. Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins? Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord! panic and pitfall have come upon us, devastation and destruction; “My eyes will flow without ceasing, without respite, until the Lord from heaven looks down and sees; my eyes cause me grief at the fate of all the daughters of my city. they flung me alive into the pit and cast stones on me; water closed over my head; I said, ‘I am lost.’ “I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, ‘Do not close your ear to my cry for help!’ You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’ “You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life.”

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:1-2, 4, 6-8, 11-12, 17-29, 31-33, 36, 39-40, 47, 49-51, 53-58‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/lam.3.1-58.ESV

I keep having the scariest dreams. About being on trial to go back to prison- very vivid dreams. You are all there in the courtroom- bringing me snacks and praying for me. The trial goes very unfair. The man prosecuting me gets the upper hand.

But when I wake up- this is the verse he gives me. He keeps showing me he is here to fight for me

“Lord Yah, there’s such a blessing that comes when you teach us your Word and your ways. Even the sting of your correction can be sweet. It rescues us from our days of trouble until you are ready to punish the wicked. 

For the Lord will never walk away from his cherished ones, nor would he forsake his chosen ones who belong to him. 

Whenever you pronounce judgments, they reveal righteousness. All your devoted lovers will be pleased. 

I would have been killed so many times if you had not been there for me. 

When I screamed out, “Lord, I’m doomed!” your fiery love was stirred, and you raced to my rescue. 

Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:12-15, 17-19‬ ‭TPT‬‬

 all those girls have literally no one. 

No one that would come for them. 

One had to call a bail bond herself (and wait more days)because she didn’t have anyone out there to do it for. 

One had no one to protect her. She was charged with blinding the dad of her children with pepper spray after he was strangling her. 

One had to stay in 5 more days until her check cleared because she needed 250 more dollars. 

One girl was banned from the Marta because she tried to sleep there too many times.

One had been to 39 foster homes and was charged with attempted murder after the foster dad tried to rape her

And this is the other girls dad^

None of them stand a chance and the world is so hard for them because they don’t have family

Grateful to have so much family protecting praying and loving me in life

“Yahweh, please don’t stay far away. My strength, come quickly to my rescue. Give me back my life. Save me from this violent death. Save my precious one and only from the power of these dogs! Save me from all the power of the enemy, from this roaring lion raging against me and the power of his dark horde. 

For he has not despised my cries of deep despair. He’s my first responder to my sufferings, and when I was in pain, he was there all the time and heard the cries of the afflicted. Let all the poor and broken eat until satisfied. Bring Yahweh praise and you will find him. May your hearts overflow with life forever! His generation yet to be born will glorify him. And they will all declare, “It is finished!””

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭22:19-24, 26, 31‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. So if a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many. All that comes is vanity. Remove vexation from your heart, and put away pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭11:5, 8, 10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/ecc.11.5-10.ESV