Mom
I wanted to write you a note to communicate the things on my heart. First, I wanted to tell you how grateful I am for giving us your all. I am only now seeing what it really took to raise us the way you did. You wanted us included and involved. You made sure we have Every opportunity for success. You lost sleep, writing papers, cried with us when our heart was broken over a friend, or a boyfriend. You sat and read with us for hours you laid out outfits, packed bags and lunches. you would spend your summer nights just hanging out with us eating ice cream in the kitchen. When I watch home videos, I could see your delight in just the funny little things we did. You would sit in my bed and I would love sharing every detail from the day. You would find the perfect outfit so I could feel confident going to a fun party and would really enjoy hearing all the pointless details. You know most every detail from all my experiences in life good or bad.
Because you love us.
I want you to feel loved by me and all your daughters. Loved not because of what you do but unconditionally love because you are my mom. My only mom forever. I know there are times you don’t feel loved by us. I know there are times you feel like I push you away or respond harshly.
I want to change this because I don’t want disconnection to grow. I don’t want tension, chaos, hurt or even unrest in your heart. I truly want to grow our relationship more and more until the good Lord takes you (or me) home.
I want to cultivate a healthy relationship and connection together. I listened to Rebekah Lyons speak on adult children relationships and it made me want to share her godly wisdom on this and i wanted to share from my perspective.
1) As your adult child, I would love for you to let me make my own mistakes. Do not try to prevent them. Your fear is with good intention because you don’t want to see us in pain, you want to protect me from natural consequences, or even spend a few extra dollars if I don’t need to. But this is not in your control- you have released me into the hands of Jesus and I firmly believe He will hold me fast.
2) be helpful, but not codependent. sometimes I come to you with my own wrestling because I don’t want to wrestle it out with God. Even though I’m learning to depend on Him, ask me what God is saying and after I have prayed about it what my decision is and how you can help support me in that decision. When you tighten your grip on controlling my decisions and the outcomes, it causes separation. Especially when my small decisions are met with emotional force, it causes unrest. To bring that further, even in my other relationships I often feel that if I don’t comply, I’ll will be met with a force. I read something the other day that helped put words to this.“If we believe what makes us different creates division/ war- we will see war. Instead we all add a color to this world.”
I want to be able to disagree and still be connected. I think this is important for my girls to see that I know who I am and it’s okay to be you.
It kills me that u have had to experience the same mom I did
I believe relationships graduate because attachment as a child
Was not seen susan safe or secure
Even the beauty scene always shamEd
Good was always twisted bad
Don’t fill the spaces
Just like I fill the spaces you seem to
The love I reciwas always
I was buried my dad told him be careful with her heart because she will give and give To the point where she will harm her self
e was a healthy D1 college football player who led campus out reach and Small groups.
His first job was Tuscaloosa Alabama wasAnd I are trying to fitness in Tuscaloosa Alabama with Stormie
Breck: a whole bottle of whiskey to my first delivery so that kind of hurt- everything had to be perfect to make him feel good. That same year he stopped working all together just didn’t wanna get out of bed. He traveled a little with his last job and he came back different so I felt like he must feel guilty about something But I could never really get it out of him so
I tried to work so he could deal with his issuers
11 months later we had Raleigh and that’s when he started some illegal drugs. He had always traveled a lot -he went on expensive vacations every two months - sometimes with us sometimes without us. I had always done everything with the bills or rental property or yard - because he quit Life. Then I found a credit card with 12k charged to it. Mostly food and strip clubs.
I was so hurt but still divorce wasn’t an option to me. Because he refused to work and He was unable to keep the little ones by himself- We had no money to pay mortgage so we moved out to his families farm- once he got there he gave up completely. Things became more dark than they ever had been.
His family is incredibly wealthy so he just wanted to live off of them. They built us this beautiful White House and I prayed over every single wall in that home that God would restore our family.
- As soon as we got to the farm the rage and violence immediately started. If he wasn’t trying to hurt me he would be drugged up collecting roadkill and putting flowers on them
- He was absent consuMed with self
- - it was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen- he had always been bipolar but he started seeing things, and would have crazy highs and dangerous suicidal lows. The more I prayed the more the spiritual battle became evident. I would just feel a heavy darkness. I kept asking God I need to feel you here I can’t do this unless you are here and I feel your presence. I didn’t sleep or eat - One night after he took the violence way to far I just prayed God protect us I can’t do this anymore. Literally the very next week we were out of there. He has a spell where he should have been admitted and his dad said he didn’t feel safe with us in the house anymore.
- He says he wants open relationship he just wanted to see other people
- So I moved in with my parents and on Christmas Day while opening presents, he asked for a divorce because he wanted to see other people. Sometimes he would forget what he said so sometimes he would want us and sometimes he wouldn’t. I said ok God I’m giving this one last chance to see if he will be better when was off drugs so his friends did an intervention. His family paid 30k for him to voluntarily leave 2weeks in because his bed was uncomfortable. He walked away from neuro scans and such great counseling. They did diagnose him while he was there with extreme narcissism but i guess I was already aware of that. The rehab was in Tennessee- they had someone from their company come pick him up and he asked to be dropped off at this woman’s house and since February he has lived there
When he tells us to be the light of the world it’s not just a call to responsibility it is who he makes us to be. He calls us to step out of the room even in the storm have hope in this life. god knows this is hard and I’m not leaving the room
. What do u want?
In this world we will have tribulation but be of good faith and cheer because we will have suffering
Joy will be comPlate in our broken
Amy: mother trauma
My thoughts were constantly attacking me
I told Amy about dad putting the GPS locator on my phone and he responded something about having transparency with him and she said well. Are you a trustworthy person? And I said I do think I have a sinful nature that does want to do what I want to do. I have broke their trust twiceBy lying to them about my whereabouts. Amy responded what I hear is it’s always Danielle’s fault. If I just do enough and I prove myself to them then the shame will go away. You want the approval and that acceptance and that love from your parents but they are unable to show it the way you Long for. What do you need to grieve the loss of what your dad and mom couldn’t do. I wanted to be seen and fully known on a heart level. They can’t do what they don’t know meaning.. They don’t know how to connect and be vulnerable. Now this part seems a little critical but she just really wanted to hit it home because I am usually codependent on their feelings towards me. She said when we choose to live life our own way there is consequences. She said since your mom has chosen to play tennis five hours a day and not really look at her self then the consequences are she doesn’t know how to have a relationship with her daughters. They also had such a tight grip on us that they never surrendered us to God. They never had that mentality Lord your will be done- it was such a tight grip on us not messing up. We never had that space to make our own decisions. that is a sad thing to take in because Amy said It’s like a death I need to grieve. I can still try to connect with mom on that level but that little girl Danielle That just wanted that type of relationship with her mom growing up- I have to grieve it like a death because There is something we all needed growing up and we never got it -that acceptance, to be seen, to be cherished. She is telling me to grieve that because the relationship I have with them now is based fully on shame. I tried to share with mom an experience with my friends etc To be able to connect with her yet she responds immediately with “you should have said this etc” Amy said you basically have to beat yourself up to be able to have connection with them. The self sabotage is the only way I get connection with them. She asked what would a life without shame look like. And I said well it wouldn’t have my parents in it because I go back to that 12 year-old shameful self. She asked do u really want to rid yourself of this shame..I said yes but I don’t want to give up my parents? She said I know but She said Danielle shame has been your companion- my only way to connect with them. Because it’s the only way they know how to connect with me. To say goodbye to shame would say goodbye to connection with them. I think she is asking me to view my parents with a different lens. It’s a death of what I thought my parent should be to just excepting them for who they are right now I think that’s the key to not let it bother me that I already have grieved what they cannot give me I have to not expect that kind of connection from them. God is asking me to surrender my parents to him. I cannot fix them and surrendering them to God means Taking my incessant will to change them and take my hands off the driving wheel and accept that they may never change and after a lot of grieving- detaching my emotions from them. my heart doesn’t have to be sabotaged to get connection. And I can have a good boundary of information sharing. I No longer have to share information about my life that I feel will be used as a weapon. She gave me three things to do this week one is ask someone outside our family for help either emotional or physical help to write down when I ask them for help what is the voice in my head what is the shame statements that come over and flood my brain and three don’t Tell my mom I’m asking for help.
It makes me sad that I grew up feeling so bad because I would cons
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