Mom

 I wanted to write you a note to communicate the things on my heart. First, I wanted to tell you how grateful I am for giving us your all. I am only now seeing what it really took to raise us the way you did. You wanted us included and involved. You made sure we have Every opportunity for success. You lost sleep, writing papers, cried with us when our heart was broken over a friend, or a boyfriend. You sat and read with us for hours you laid out outfits, packed bags and lunches. you would spend your summer nights just hanging out with us eating ice cream in the kitchen. When I watch home videos, I could see your delight in just the funny little things we did. You would sit in my bed and I would love sharing every detail from the day. You would find the perfect outfit so I could feel confident going to a fun party and would really enjoy hearing all the pointless details. You know most every detail from all my experiences in life good or bad.

Because you love us.

I want you to feel loved by me and all your daughters. Loved not because of what you do but unconditionally love because you are my mom. My only mom forever. I know there are times you don’t feel loved by us. I know there are times you feel like I push you away or respond harshly.

I want to change this because I don’t want disconnection to grow. I don’t want tension, chaos, hurt or even unrest in your heart. I truly want to grow our relationship more and more until the good Lord takes you (or me) home. 

I want to cultivate a healthy relationship and connection together. I listened to Rebekah Lyons speak on adult children relationships and it made me want to share her godly wisdom on this and i wanted to share from my perspective. 

1) As your adult child, I would love for you to let me make my own mistakes. Do not try to prevent them. Your fear is with good intention because you don’t want to see us in pain, you want to protect me from natural consequences, or even spend a few extra dollars if I don’t need to. But this is not in your control- you have released me into the hands of Jesus and I firmly believe He will hold me fast.

2) be helpful, but not codependent. sometimes I come to you with my own wrestling because I don’t want to wrestle it out with God. Even though I’m learning to depend on Him, ask me what God is saying and after I have prayed about it what my decision is and how you can help support me in that decision. When you tighten your grip on controlling my decisions and the outcomes, it causes separation. Especially when my small decisions are met with emotional force, it causes unrest. To bring that further, even in my other relationships I often feel that if I don’t comply, I’ll will be met with a force. I read something the other day that helped put words to this.“If we believe what makes us different creates division/ war- we will see war. Instead we all add a color to this world.”

 I want to be able to disagree and still be connected. I think this is important for my girls to see that I know who I am and it’s okay to be you.

3) We must only speak words of Life to each other. You to me. Me to my kids. Me to my sisters. Everyone. We battle against the spirit of Death. Negativity. Despair. Shame. When there is criticism or critique or negativity- it steals joy, kills connection, and destroys relationship.

When we come into contact with the spirit of fear, I must actually battle with the spirit of fear. We are letting actual forces of darkness into our family. 

He is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. And we must practice giving Him to our family because it is our family He called us to. It’s our biggest calling to give the God of Love to next generation. They must see God through us first. And if there is unrest in us, they will not know the God of rest through us. They will always be searching for identity, approval and direction from somewhere else instead of in Him. 

The way God helped me identify these places of unrest is through counseling and I would strongly suggest you go for at least three months. Counseling relieved my fears. A fear that God wouldn’t show up. It just gave me words to understand where God was working and speaking to me. It gave me a sense of direction in the places that I desperately wanted to be made whole by God. It helped me connect in my relationships and be able to really enjoy life. I felt a freedom and enjoyment return to my life. I believe that doing this work of counseling not only brings peace within ourself but a confidence in the Christ in us and the Christ with us. I love you and our relationship is one of the most important relationships I have in my life so I pray you hear that my words are filled with love gratitude and honor for you. I want my girls to know who they are and like who they are. I don’t want them to see self-hate, which is what has done destruction on my life.. I want this out of love. 

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. In the path of righteousness is life, and in its pathway there is no death.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12‬:‭18‬, ‭25‬, ‭28‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/pro.12.18-28.ESV

“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭13‬:‭3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/pro.13.3.ESV

“The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death. A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭14‬:‭1‬, ‭26‬-‭27‬, ‭30‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/59/pro.14.1-30.ESV