11/6/20 my processing

 

I just wanted to give you a quick update to help me communicate better. I have been doing great mentally with my eating. Living without my kids I have been aware that its ok to make myself meals too. So last night for the first time since I can remember- I actually made myself dinner- just me!

I have seen Gods faithfulness so much this season. He has surrounded me with amazing community.  Every week I get to hang out with some Christian friends and am in 2 bible studies. The more I press into Him the more I realize how much I need Him. The more I study about Romans 8 “Living in the Spirit” the more I see the evident battle for my heart. I am thankful that God is making this so evident because I believe it is something that needs named. To be honest I am just struggling to know that I am still loved and accepted even when I have seen so evidently how self-centered, self-absorbed, and at times lazy I am.

I have dug into my ACOA book. I finished through page 32 and will be ready to start on Step 1 questions next week. I realize that this is what I have needed for a long time. I despise the characteristics “the laundry list items” that I embody (almost all of them) and whole-heartedly committed to recovery and releasing my dysfunctional behaviors. I am convinced that with Gods help full recovery is possible.

I have been convicted in my time with Jesus that we are called to pray big prayers without ceasing- and have committed to praying overt the steps

 

Lord please win this battle for my heart. I can’t do this on my own. Sanctify me. Lord get the bad out- anything that is not of you. Lord rid me of the separation I feel when the shame is there. Fill this empty space. Wrap your arms around me and let me rest in you. Deliver me from myself. sancify me. Lord I can’t do this on my own. This past weekend I was in awe of the grace and love that was poured out on me this weekend. The love these girls feel from all our family- it gives me a peace. I know you are telling me to trust you but this is still hard. Please hold my hand. Please lead me with a strong arm. I feel fear but I also feel joy - a lot of it. More than I ever had when I was married to kanon. That dark world seems like forever ago. One where I don’t recognize my hollow heart and empty soul. This life I see now is full of Jesus, hope, discipline (which is hard for me). I realize that you are calling me to a life of more. I am called to obedience. I still struggle with obedience in all areas but that is why I come before you daily. I surrender my will and fully press into His will- which is a life lived with Him. (Romans 8 “in order that the righteousness requirements of the law might fully met in us, Who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the spirit”) Lord let my own will will become His - because my heart just desires His will and His Presence. I see what a beautiful God I serve and I stand in awe of you. Let me be in a constant practice of being in awe and aware of your work- my soul is restored this way. Drive out the darkness, let my whole being be wrapped in Your glory. That is what Heaven will be. It won’t just be a relief of the pain we are in- we won’t even remember what the pain felt like or even what the pain was in reference to.

Lord give me righteousness. Lord give me an undivided heart!

 

 

 

Prayer is the natural result when you understand Jesus’s willingness to help those in need and How desperately we need his help. The wave of his faith and the wave of his will and they become the power. That is the means by which God lends his power. Through the prayer and faith of his people. It changes this! God already knows what we will pray and what we will pray. There are big thing that will happen on Earth if we pray and some that will not. It is foolishness rebellion and pride that sits around and speculates questioning the sovereignty of God when simple obedience is what is commanded.

Prayer is the preordained way God gets his work done on Earth. Prayer equals the mission of God on Earth.