Praying big prayers

 My thoughts talking to God today- I just thought I’d send you some stuff I was thinking about- 

I am so angry. I’m scared I am wrestling with you because I know your plan is good but this is hard -and I am uncomfortable -and I feel like this is never going to end. I just don’t see where this hurt and loneliness will ever be healed until I am in heaven with you. this deep longing -and this deep loneliness- that only you can satisfy will not be filled until I am in heaven with you. But why does that longings seem so big right now? Why does the longing seems painful. That emptiness seems just so vast right now. Why did life turn out this way? I am scared. god I need confidence. I need bravery. I need you to give me strength. I need you to give me life inside my bones because they are just so dry and weak. How was it possible to feel so weak and yet be so useless?- all I do is go to work- I don’t even take care of my own kids. sometimes I feel fear when I wake up. The day seems too big. How am I going to get my thoughts focused again so I can stay on top of it? Will I always be behind?  Will life always be survival for me? Will I ever be confident in who I am instead of apologizing every 3 minutes. I am having a hard time doing my job because I’m too scared of loosing the approval of a middle schooler?!

Enter into my thoughts let my mind be fixated on you.  let the problems and  of the world just drift away as you release my codependency. let this pain melt into your embrace - knowing that I am enough right now as I am.

I confess my selfishness- release me from the bond of this sinfulness. Lord show me that you were enough fill those empty places in my heart that I keep trying to fill. let me stand on firm foundation again instead of treading this quicksand. 

Take the anger and the bitterness and the fear - 

If you don’t take anything else take the fear. 

I am so hurt- I feel unwanted - not having anyone “interested” in me just makes me realize how much of my identity was in men. Let my identity be in you. Let me serve you and only you- Lord do a miracle here. I am tired of being scared. Let me rest in you. Lord please provide the perfect childcare situation- I’m terrified that I won’t be able to take care of them and work full time. God I don’t have the energy or the strength to do life on my own. Be my strong right arm. I have seen where you have rescued me from. A life full of godlessness in Vance- and you gave me this dream job- Lord be with me. Let me rest in you. Knowing that you will be all that I am not. You will be Breckans comfort. You will be right there to comfort her after her dad shows unwarranted anger for her repetitive attempts to get his attention. Let her know that your eyes have always been in awe of His Creation in you. When Kanon isn’t present, be all the more Present. Thank you for being here today.