Life lately

 I have learned during this season he has been showing me how to structure day and make room for him and put the first things first. What kind of household will I be resolved in building - the relationship with a loving spouse is not what I lacked it was the knowledge that my gospel visioned marriage is not what I am here on earth to do - it is to know Him and be transformed into His likeness living in His Will. 

God has been revealing to me what he first started showing me before the babies were born. I remember I started writing right before the girls were born because I realized very early on that if any Presence of Jesus would be in our home- it was up to me to pursue that. If the girls were going to learn who Christ was- that it would have to be me that taught them. I started writing them letters about what God was doing in my life through them (pregnancy), what my prayers were for them, and what I longed for them to know about Him. Years later I am still writing these sweet letters to them but now it’s about what God is doing to my heart through this divorce, pain, loneliness, and depression. The painful times of sanctification. To organize lead and see the Lord in this.Division of my household. The vision of the piece in the storm. A vision for the life my girls and I will live without Kanon- with the pain of their fathers absence but so aware and in awe of the only fathers presence who will ever satisfy. 

My fears that this life right now is too much- too overwhelming. You say rest in me and do not fear because I am the only who gives you vision and perspective. I am the one who leads you beside still waters. 

I started writing five years ago because I knew my husband would not be the spiritual leader that I needed. But in this five years and in all this writing you taught me how to How to feel and be in his presence even in the midst of suffering. I just thought I would not have a spiritual leader in my whole life. Instead you transformed my heart into love for you and only you. To see your grace and mercy flow that you not only gave me you but yowed me that it was you this whole time. That my Biggest disappointment was not that I didn’t have a husband to love and lead my family, it was just that he was never supposed to be the end goal. That really having Jesus is the only end goal and a marriage is just his gift

A man to me is not to make life easier or love me - it’s just to show me a sweet side of Jesus- he is just there to show the gospelMy plan is for good and who I am is good so believe that I will give you some more and he will lead you to me but if that takes five years then it was my purpose to be they are mom and just their mom for five years