Valentines Day 2021

 This past weekend was one of the most physically (and emotionally) painful weekends I have had. Every joint in my body ached. Worse than the flu. My pain in my face was so bad, it hurt to smile. I had such a deep pain in my heart that it hurt to even go to sleep. I knew that is what people who suffered with depression felt like.  Because the pain was so deep and painful and wouldn’t go away. Nothing helped- I prayed that Sunday I said Lord let me see that you are here this week. I know I feel you and I thank you for your Presence – it has never left me, but give me something this week that will tell me I will make it.

Tuesday started off by getting frozen in my car and having to carry a 60 lb child into daycare because she couldn’t get ahold of dad and didn’t want to go to school. I found myself being sad that they spent 10 hours there. I felt alone and sad for them.

But so many times God has showed up in the form of my sister and brother in law.

After a horrible day at school, Uncle Jimmy took Breck on a Starbucks date. She felt so loved and seen. He also took her home depot to pick out some lanyards so I don’t loose my keys anymore- she picked me up an owl one and she picked out a pink one for herself.

My sister knew I was struggling just sometimes don’t know how to show it. I am learning how to ask for help so she does not have to offer. Yesterday she offered to take the kids so I could go have some time with the young professionals group and Jesus. Lindsey put my kids to bed along with her four children and somehow managed to dress them in comfy clothes to sleep in so I can just put their shoes on and go. She sees the need and does it with such a joyful heart and is not seen for her amazing work for Jesus. I often think of how she went from mentoring high school girls (where you are seen) to a place where you just work for Jesus day in and day out with no reconition yet still do it with excellance and character and integrity. I cant begin to tell you how much I have learned from my little sister. She has not only shown me how to walk like Jesus does, but she has shown me how to be a friend and just be the Presence of Jesus- sit with you and be in the hard things with you. It was a long day in the house with all the babies and lindsey even wanted to get out for a moment for sanity sake. She sacrificed her own alone time (for her to run to Home Depot) in order for Jimmy to leave his family all there with her and take breck on a date. And she was joyful because she loves my babies as her own. Man the tears wont stop flowing this morning.

Mary jo and Terry had them all over for dinner while I went to bible study. I get a picture of Terry on the ground playing Lincoln Logs with them. To see SO many people surrounding us with so much love. I truly feel like every time start to feel the brokenness of a divided family, I see where Jesus just brings more provision of love from these dear people.

I battled the lies of Satan. He told me I was tied to Kanon for so long – how can my heart have not come out of that time tainted with darkness. Tuesday night the pastor looked right at me and said: If you were in a marriage to a bad many and you divorce- you are not responsible for that, you are only responsible for your own account. Your actions, your heart.” O how my soul needed to hear that. I believe he brought me to small group just for that reason.

So this morning – even after only 4 hours asleep- I woke up refreshed and even though I dreaded every minute of the day to come- I said Lord “only you.” Only you can do this because I cant today. I prayed over my girls before I woke them up. I prayed that their heart would be comforted and held by Jesus today even at a daycare that barely acknowledges when they walk through the door.

Madison had dropped off sweet valentines goodies for the girls and they were estatic to get in the car – which is usually a 15 minute battle. She brought so many sweet goodies for them and enough chalk for a whole summer!! How good God is to give me friends that love my babies and Jesus.

On the way to school, Breck smiled to me and said I am not even going to cry today. She told me she would even help me clean out my car after school- that girl was telling me something.

There was such a beautiful sunrise and I talked about how we can see Jesus on this earth. When he thinks of you and smiles, he paints that picture in the sky. Raleigh just looked up at the sky as we were walking into daycare and said, “Jesus your Handsome!”

This is just a typical day in our life. The pain and joy coincide. I wrestle with questions and sometimes the desire to take this away but he response with His Presence, and I am seeing that often its in the form of wonderful people God gave me. He shows me this life is beautiful One where jesus never stops seeing us, hearing us and sustaining us. What a wonderful life it is to see God work the salvation of our soul, taking the sin out and filling us with him, sancitifying us along the way everyday- and giving us hope for tomorrow.